so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
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