At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Randomize
