Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
