dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
