i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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