god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Randomize
