I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
