i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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