I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
