I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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