So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
