Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
