I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
