Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
