Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
