She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
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