i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
