Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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