I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
