bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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