so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I intend to get homeless drunk
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
