When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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