Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
