I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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