I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
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