On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize