Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
