I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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