is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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