Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I lost the right to judge tonight
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
