the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
