You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Randomize
