glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
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