There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Randomize
