if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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