My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Just pee around me
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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