the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize