Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
