in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
