So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
