6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
