I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
