when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
