i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
