The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
