Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize