Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize