Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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