I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
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