did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
