He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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