God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
