you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Boobs are out for the taking
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
