my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
