so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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