The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
