You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
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