This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
