Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
