just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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