I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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