A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
