pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
